10.09.13- Nostalgia, Odd Compliments & "WHERE'S YOUR MASTERS GONNA GET YOU?"

So I had my tattoo. Having a thigh tattoo was an odd sort of pain. An almost nice sort of pain (this is absolutely not a hint to go all S&M. Both EL James and Rihanna can fuck off with their whips and chains; they do not excite me).

Also conveniently doubles up as a euphemism

Part of the odd pleasure in the tattooing session could also have had something to do with the fact that the guy tattooing me was an incredibly beautiful man and I absolutely would have gone back the next day and asked him to tattoo my whole body had I not realised that:

a) It is only a matter of time before HSBC start signing my bank statements off with "LMAO"
b) Nipple tattoos would hurt
c) Having all-over cat fur and whiskers tattooed on me may not always work in my favour during job
interviews.

"Hi, I'm here for the job interview."

So I had to settle for just the one thigh tattoo. I hope to God I don't go off Dylan Thomas.
On another note, I have received some bloody odd "compliments" lately. I'm not entirely sure how I feel when I scowl at myself in the mirror at the moment. A favourite appears to be animal comparisons.
Unless bestiality suddenly becomes fashionable, I am left feeling only as though I must go and live in a zoo.
Flattering charming men have made the following observations:

1) "Aww. You remind me of an animal I think. Is it a fox?"
2) "You really do have a monkey-face." (An observation from a pair of my dearest friends. Yeah you know who you are. You sods.)
3) "What's those little monkeys with the big hair and the little bodies? Yeah, you look like them."

#instapic #selfie

4) "You have a funny nose. Like an elf."
5) "For a minute you looked like one of those really grumpy-looking cats."
6) "THAT RED'EAD BIRD IS FUCKIN' SMART." (Probably the nicest of "compliments". Thank you, Mr Chav hanging out of a Nissan Micra. Please pull over and give me a ride).
7) My brother didn't actually need to say anything; he just one day made himself cry laughing at my face.

Note: if anyone offers to take me on a date to the zoo, fuck off.

Dental appointments are never fun but at this age you're always going to get the inevitable question that is sprung upon you time and again by hairdressers and family friends and people on the bus making small talk (please don't talk to me on the bus, I'm listening to Coolio and Eminem).

How I like to think I look whilst getting on a bus

"So what are you doing these days?"
Wait for it.
"A Masters in Creative Writing," I reply.
"Oh." Disappointment in the voice when it's not "nuclear physics" or "an internship at NASA" or "plumber".
Wait for it.
"So where's that going to get you?" Mr Dentist really needs to stop talking to me when his hands are in my gob. It's a dangerous move, like asking a crocodile for fellatio.
"PhD," I reply, though it comes out more like "PHGeee."
"Oh," he says with a big white smirk. Mr Dentist has an impressive clump of nose hair. His nostrils are two caves stuffed with shrubbery. "You're going to be one of those, are you? Didn't do anything useful and vocational so inevitably end up getting a doctorate and lecture in a subject you can't stand." Small, smug laugh.
I could have reminded him that I could make a small, smug snap of my jaw and bite his fingers off but I was too polite.

Reasons why my dentist is unhappy no.348

Actually, it's the one subject in the world I am incredibly passionate about. I'm thrilled to be committing my time to my favourite thing in the world (other than good friends and felines). I think of the people on the Jeremy Kyle show and think of their dentists and suddenly understand.

In other news, tonight I am being nostalgic. I haven't been sleeping well (still. However Nytol is fantastic as I discovered last night, walking into a wall trying to find my drowsy way to the sink to brush my teeth. Think drunken Orc with a tube of Aquafresh) so I have been listening to

Good mornings follow a good Nytol

Disney playlists and spending time in the small hours watching Youtube videos of childhood favourites or Googling old treats favourites they don't sell anymore (I can't wait to tell the grandkids about Dairylea Lunchables).
I have made a top three list for these three categories (they're different now from when I was little. Being mature and all that, my tastes have clearly matured too). Because with Uni not starting until the end of the month and being unemployed until the start of October I have turned into an insufferable tragedy and have time for these things:

TOP 3 DISNEY SONGS:

1) Everybody Wants To Be A Cat- The Aristocats (OBVIOUSLY)
2) Circle of Life- The Lion King
3) You've Got A Friend In Me- Toy Story

My innocent alternative to hardcore porn

TOP 3 CHILDHOOD TV SHOWS:

1) Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids
2) Funnybones
3) Tots TV

The original So Solid Crew

TOP 3 CHILDHOOD FOODS:

1) Kellogg's Pokemon Cereal
2) TopTen Bars
3) Walkers Sundog (those REALLY REALLY NICE CHEESY POPCORN THINGS).

A bowlful of additives never tasted so good.

Anyways.
I'm going to go back to listening to "We Are Siamese".